Over half of my college career was marked by a lack of faith in Christ. I was formerly a Christian, and I thought I was a “good guy,” worthy of God’s love, but those feelings were full with such an unwarranted sense of entitlement. Once in college, I was exposed to the gray areas of life. I was cynical and felt lied to my whole life. I began to really dwell an awful lot about some of the pains of my childhood and blamed others, especially those who love and support me, for the problems I faced.
Eventually, these cynical sentiments and envy towards those around me led me to be an avid atheist. Somehow, I thought that believing in nothing made me smarter. I would prowl the internet looking to “convert” theists to atheism. I deluded myself into thinking that I was so much smarter than Christians were. I pretended to be an expert on science and physics, on Biblical authority, and to know everyone’s thoughts and faith without even meeting them, and so many of my arguments were regurgitations from Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens. I really failed to see the hypocrisy I was portraying. No one really ever does. We, as humans, are often too caught up in our own arrogance to think that we might be wrong, but deep down, nothing will fill that emptiness in our hearts except for God.
At that time, I was constantly comparing God to the Tooth Fairy and Unicorns. I would often “troll” www.gotquestions.org, for their apparent ignorance to how the world works. Even though I was still a teenager, I thought I was smarter than everyone else because I read the God Delusion and was not afraid to say I was an atheist.
I was still sad, despite my facade of superiority. I had emptiness in my heart, and the more responsibility I had to take on, the more I felt like breaking down and crying. I eventually achieved great grades, great physical health, and was studying subjects I enjoyed. I thought that art and science could fill the void in my life. I found out though, that even with all of these achievements, I still had sadness and emptiness dominating my emotions.
I was so worried about lasting in the world. How could I keep up all of this hard work when the world is so cruel? How could I provide for anyone else, let alone myself? Then I found myself picking up a Bible, something I never thought I would do again, and I read Matthew 6:25. That began my journey into being saved. A few weeks after that, I had been keeping a prayer journal, conversing with Christian friends, and really reflecting on my life. I asked Jesus into my heart, and I have felt a contentment and fullness in my heart that I never before felt. Science, physical strength, arrogance, art, praise from friends, sex, drugs—all of these things I had been pursuing in order to find happiness—none of them came close the glory of being saved.
I now use www.gotquestions.org, and similar sites/forums, whenever I have a Biblical inquiry when I am reading alone. It is so great to use the internet for good. Technology can be used for God’s will, if we let him guide us. Staying connected with other Christians helps me grow in my faith. It does not replace personal contact with people, belonging to a ministry, and of course, the connection with God, but it certainly adds to it.
I have recanted my avid atheism, and proudly say that I was wrong, but am now saved, through Jesus Christ our Savior.
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