What is an appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage?

For Christians seeking to honor God before marriage, discerning what constitutes an appropriate level of physical intimacy in accordance with biblical principles is essential. Answering this question begins with understanding God’s purpose for sex and His design for physical intimacy in marriage.

Sex is one of God’s greatest gifts to a man and a woman. Genesis 2:24 explains that God designed physical intimacy for marriage, to unite a husband and wife into “one flesh.” Within the covenant boundaries of marriage, sex serves several purposes, including knowledge (Genesis 4:1), intimate oneness (Genesis 2:24), comfort (Genesis 24:67), procreation (Genesis 1:28), pleasure (Song of Solomon 2:8–17; 4:1–16; Proverbs 5:19), happiness (Ecclesiastes 9:9; Deuteronomy 24:5); and avoiding temptation and sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 7:2–5).

Sexual intimacy within marriage is good and holy, with both partners encouraged to meet each other’s needs and find pleasure and satisfaction in one another. The Bible also presents sex as a means of modeling the relationship between Christ and the church (see Ephesians 5:1–33), giving physical intimacy in marriage tremendous significance in God’s plan.

Since God highly values sex as a critical part of His design for marriage, as believers, we must recognize the vital importance of obeying God’s standards for sexual behavior (see Hebrews 13:4). Sex is a gift from God. Yet it is a gift that can be misused. If we live outside of God’s plan for sexual intimacy, then sex becomes a detriment to everyone involved. God intends for His faithful followers to treat sex properly and reverently both inside and outside of marriage.

Within marriage, sexual intimacy is to be shared lovingly and with gratitude to build up the unity of the couple. Outside of marriage between a man and woman, the appropriate level of physical intimacy is to honor God through costly obedience by living a chaste and virtuous life.

Scriptures such as Ephesians 5:3 give general guidance concerning physical intimacy outside of marriage: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity . . . because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 6:18–20, believers are told, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

God calls His people to be holy, to stay away from sexual sin, controlling their passions and lust and living in ways that honor God and fellow believers (1 Thessalonians 4:3–7). These Scriptures place strict “guard rails” along the believer’s path. Through a challenging commitment to God’s standard of purity, we learn to value obedience over gratification and to serve God instead of serving our own lusts.

Determining an appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage is something every unmarried couple must do. While the Bible does not explicitly lay out boundaries or give a list of activities that “hint” of immorality, neither does it tell us what physical activities are acceptable for a couple to engage in before marriage. Through prayer, study of God’s Word, and yielding our bodies to the Holy Spirit’s control, we can find the path of sexual purity that is pleasing to God. Christians can also rely on principles of wisdom, personal conviction, and counsel from spiritual leaders.

Since fornication (any sexual contact outside of marriage) is categorized as sinful in the Bible, we know that sexual intercourse before marriage is off limits. Other sexual acts, such as oral or anal sex, would also fall under the definition of fornication. Engaging in the act of sex is inappropriate for an unmarried couple; therefore, behavior that leads to the act should also be curtailed. Foreplay, which is the natural prelude to sexual intercourse, should be restricted to married couples. Anything that can be considered foreplay should be avoided until marriage. Foreplay would include fondling, nudity, erotic conversations, and any behaviors that arouse sexual desire.

Christians have been set apart by God for His holy purposes and must take care to avoid sexual immorality. Unmarried couples should be aware of their spiritual convictions and adhere to them. What may be acceptable for one couple, guided by conscience and accountability, may be different for another. Couples may choose to establish firm lines, such as not being alone together in private spaces, or they may have more flexible boundaries. But all should seek to honor God and one another. Some may draw the line at light kissing. Others may stop at holding hands or hugging. Others will move the barriers even further out for conscience’s sake. The important thing is that individual believers live according to their own convictions before God. The conscience should not be violated. If there is any doubt whether an activity is right for an unmarried couple, it should be avoided, just to be safe (see Romans 14:23).

The journey of maintaining sexual purity before marriage is not without its challenges. Society promotes permissive attitudes toward physical intimacy, and couples may find themselves navigating pressures from friends, media, and their own desires. Having an accountability plan can be extremely helpful. Sharing boundaries and intentions with trusted friends or mentors can provide encouragement and strength. Honest communication between partners about expectations and temptations can help prevent misunderstandings and foster mutual respect and trust. Likewise, regular prayer and engagement with Scripture can anchor couples in their convictions.

For Christian couples who feel they have crossed boundaries or made mistakes regarding the appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage, the message of Christianity is one of grace, forgiveness, and new beginnings. The path to honoring God is not always linear, but believers are called to seek repentance, restoration, renewal, and growth.