How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?

An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares deep emotional intimacy with an individual other than his or her spouse. Emotional affairs are characterized by seeking support from a third party, investing emotional energy outside one’s marriage, and, often, secrecy and deception. Becoming emotionally intimate with someone other than one’s spouse can have a chilling effect on the marriage relationship. Plus, in many cases, emotional intimacy progresses to physical intimacy, opening the door to more devastation. Many people deny the seriousness of emotional affairs, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.

Marriage partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another. It’s wise for a couple to determine the boundaries of what can be shared outside their marriage and to whom. Having friendships outside of the marriage is healthy, but a reliance on outsiders to meet emotional needs can lead to temptation, especially when the spouses spend much time apart. Time spent with co-workers and friends can become a substitute for the emotional support of a spouse. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.

There are warning signs that a seemingly innocent friendship could be leading to an emotional affair: a temptation to hide aspects of a relationship, emotional withdraw from one’s spouse, and an increase in the number of spousal arguments. Intimacy requires closeness, and that suffers when a spouse gives his or her closeness to someone outside the marriage.

Christians should guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given. All relationships take emotional investment, and our primary investment needs to be in our spouse. Boundaries need to be set to ensure the top priority stays at the top and the lines of communication are always open.

Here are some wise boundaries that can help ensure that marital intimacy is being protected:

These boundaries will help Christians avoid the temptation of emotional affairs and create rhythms that help grow emotional closeness in one’s marriage.

Christian priorities put marriage and family second only to the Lord. God is the only one who can fully meet our needs, and He is the first priority. God designed marriage to unite two people into one (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship the way the Lord does and work on ways to strengthen it and build closeness. The Lord forbids adultery and lust (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9–20).

Many in the world believe that married partners need “space” to the point of leading separate lives. In no way does the Bible advocate codependency; however, a marriage is, by definition, a life lived and planned together—it is interdependency. Relationships outside a marriage are important if they honor God and one’s spouse. But there’s no need to create “space” between a husband and wife.

Marriage is a blessed union between a man and a woman and mirrors the union of Christ and His church. Emotional closeness allows a marriage to thrive. Sharing that same closeness with someone other than one’s spouse undermines the marital bond. Whether the third-party intimacy is physical or emotional, it is sin and damages the trust God designed for marriage.